Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.