new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.