Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Every haunted house movie:
The symmetry is uncanny.