Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.