A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
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The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering