My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Follow me for more life hacks.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.