imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones