Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank