Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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The real reason evolution started..😂
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer