me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Oh thanks BBC.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.