Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.