Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
scrabbled eggs
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good