Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
How times have changed.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best