you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
How I like cutting carbs
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?