ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Florida be like…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry