Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.