Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!