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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.