Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”