Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.