@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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@SaraThomas84: If my phone is so "smart" how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex
@PajamaBenLaden: *undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad! 1. name 2. address 3. email 4. where are drugs *mustache falls off*
@dreamthievin: People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what's it like to exercise?
@realHamOnWry: The human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.
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