Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I feel seen
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Sponch
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.