Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension