me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
They grow up so quick
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
some cats are just doing for fun!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.