me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When he asks for feet pics
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
How to wake up a Beagle
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
When the stylist spins you back around
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
#Caturday
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes