me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.