“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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How about daylight saves us for once
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.