In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
who will stop them
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.