Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Just this preview of the story is enough
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath