Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
WTF IS THAT!
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.