Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
You Might Also Like
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Breaking news:
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I can’t be the only one 😂
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Close call…
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?