Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.