Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.