Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I already tried new things thanks.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart