forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’