You Might Also Like
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!