Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Optional boss fight.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for