Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?