Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
new year update: losing everything but weight
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere