Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Good morning, Twitter x
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.