Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Just parrot things
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy