Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you