Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
cats when you pet them too long:
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
one last job
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.