Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever