Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
That’s what I call a flat tire
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
this is the greatest thing ever
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*