me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.