Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW