me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo