me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*