Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Flowers bee like
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My dog after a walk in the woods.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!