me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
You Might Also Like
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
seems like a niche market
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.