Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
PLEASE READ
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself