Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Wise advice
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?