Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
You Might Also Like
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.